Recipe for deep fried TV

This blog is a collaboration with Kerri's Kitchen. kleighskitchen.blogspot.com

God forbid and this is only a hypothetical situation, don't panic, but what if the battery in your TV remote control ran out and no matter how hard you pressed the button or hit it it just wouldn't work. Crushed by the notion of trying to lift your mass out of the chair. What would happen? Well you would end up watching a TV cookery show. There are so many cookery shows on the box these days that it is literary imposable to not be watching one at any given time, and I am, its a hideous cross between Come dine with me and Blind date, called Dinner Date. It seems that if you can open a tin of beans without blood shed and lose of a finger a TV channel will throw a gravy covered contract at you. No oversized chocolate chip cookie is left unturned, everything to do with cooking is right there on the old picture box, just a click away. From the informative how to shows that actually instruct you step by step how not burn down your house while baking bread to the ever popular elaborate 'cooking' shows. These are the shows that take one cooking skill and push it to the extreme. Take Ace of Cakes a program about a Baltimore bakery called Charm City Cakes. The opening credits inform us that the bakery is run by Duff who doesn't bake by the rules, they make it bigger, better and more extreme. These are cakes that might come with moving parts and even fireworks. Then there is Man vs Food a kind of road-challenge-eating show where a man travels across America taking up the elaborate and most of the time sickening food challenges dinner offer. From eating a stake the size of a body board in 20 minutes to woofing down enough sea food to repopulate a fishing port. The list is endless, like chocolate then these choccywoccydoodah a show based in a chocolate sculpting shop which is as camp as the title implies. How about a middle aged man swearing and spitting out deep fried spiders? then there's Gordon's Great Escape where the UK's own Gordon Ramsay travels to the corners of the globe and eats bizarre local meals. Or would you like a British guy telling the Americans that they are killing their kids with the 'food' they serve up in the schools. Then you will be right at, too much sugar, mystery meat home with Jamie's American food revolution, where the cockney lad makes much needed demonstrations using tons of sugar and pink slim. My point being is, it seems now more then ever that people are thinking about and learning about food. So next time you take out that frozen curry and throw it in the microwave, maybe turn on the box, skip past The Simpsons (blasphemy) and get the recipe for boiled spider with chocolate rice followed by a ton of mustard flavoured ice-cream

Play it again (or not, its up to you)

There is this group on Facebook called the '30 day music challenge.' I love music, but after reading the rules I decided not to participate. Because I'm too indecisive and the day 1 rule caused a impulse of neuron feedback only experienced by kids stupid enough to try and get their kite down from a power pylon. So here is my version, its shorter, unstructured and I might sneak in a few swear words.

I just can't pick one singular song as my favourite, its like trying to pick your favourite strand of hair or ass cheek. So here is a few I will always grab to break the silence. 'Everyday is exactly the same' by Nine Inch Nail. NIN will probably pop up a few times in this list but I love this song because we all can sympathies with the lyrics about a life that seems to repeat it self. 'Frances farmer will have her revenge on Seattle' by Nirvana. Like most spotty, moody teen tear aways I found my angst perfectly transformed into music in the form of the album in utero. This song often gets over looked but I love the fact it sounds like a practice there is such a thing as over producing. And 'I am the walrus' by The Beatles a song of complete nonsense with almost Dali style lyrics, again this gets over looked well the whole album gets over looked because of it being more of a sound track for the film then an album but I love it, and even with the possibility of being stoned to death, dare I say I like this album more then 'Sgt peppers.'

One song always manages to put a smile on my face even when its a really shitty day, and has me singing out loud is 'flagpole sitta' by Harvey Danger. If you read the lyrics, this song is very depressing but the delivery of those lyrics is just the best, very up beat and its the theme to Peep show.

Back in the day I used to spend a lot of time in Cornwall body-boarding and there is one album that reminds me of those hazy days in the sun sitting on the beach or around a BBQ burning sausages while waiting for the swell or driving the coast road from Newquay to Padstow. 'Glow' by Reef. Every time I hear 'Consideration' I can almost taste the salt water. Not to sound like Neal Smug from Smug town USA but I've seen more bands live then I can recall one that stands out is Damien Rice. Ok so he's not a band but when I heard the song 'Me, My Yoke and I' live I was blown away this singer song writer had more intensity then most heavy bands I have seen, real hairs standing on end time. The song is not one that gets played a lot like 'Cannonball' or the 'Blower's Daughter' but I love it, I'm also partial to 'Rootless Trees' and 'Coconut Skins'.

There are hundreds of songs I could mention but I don't want to turn this into a bloody epic so I'm going to condense the rest into a quick blast few lines. Nine Inch Nails, 'Hurt' because when everyone in Birmingham Academy was singing this soft confession of a song it was simply amazing. 'The End' by The Doors no big reason I just like it same as 'Paint it Black' by The Rolling Stones, 'Transmission' by Joy division, 'Can't dance to disco' by Feeder, 'The Passanger' by Iggy Pop, 'Pure' by 3 Colours Red, just really well written songs. Etc, etc, etc, (the list is never ending).

Writing or: how I stopped wasting time and learnt to love the cattle prod.

I stare at the computer screen like a moron trying to decipher the tear here message on a packet of digestives. The courser blinks mockingly as my brain slowly comes to a stop. This happens to me all the time, because for a while now I have wanted to be a writer. Not for the fame or even the money, even through I could do with the money. I just want to create something, something I can sit on a shelve and let it gather dust, something I can look at in years to come and think, at least I didn't spend all that time on Facebook. But I have a problem, I lack self motivation. I can have a cracking idea, have it all planed out in my head, characters, locations, plot twists, even the name of the dog. I set about writing but something goes wrong. The saying goes 'we all have one good book in us'. I believe I do, but at the moment the only way to get it out would be to crack open my head and feed on the sweet nectar inside. There are novelists like James Patterson who quite possibly cough up books on demand. I think he has a team of writers locked away in a basement, rewarding them with sun light for every 100 pages, just check out his back catalogue. I have tried this but it does come with a few draw backs. Apparently the writing zombies do need food and water and sometimes they do fight back in horrible, horrible ways. I digress, I think the problem comes when I over think what I am writing, not in the plot or the story it's self but I can and have sat in front of the computer deciding what style to write in and get nothing done. So what do I need to do? Well I could get someone to transcribe from tapes, but who has the time and patients to do that or and I think you will all agree this might be the best and most productive way, is to buy a bloody big cattle prod and have someone sit behind me jabbing away everytime I take my hands off the keyboard or avert my eyes from the screen. I could even go as far as install eye clamps like A clockwork orange. Maybe just maybe I would finely get the story I've had in my head for years about the isolated small town that gets cut off by a snow storm and discover something very strange in a field. Or the story of a man who's in a horrendous accident and ends up trapped in his own bloodline, I would love to get these out into the real world and onto paper, I could go on but I won't, I've called Jenkins to fetch the car, I'm going shopping for a prod.

Flying Skateboard?

Where is my flying skateboard? A question we have all asked at one point or another. Come to think of it where is my holiday home on the moon and the giant invading bugs from outer space? Ok so maybe not the last one, but the other stuff is differently missing. Anyone who knows me will know I'm a geek, anything to do with the future and what people think it will bring has me dribbling like a rabid dog. Everything from the computer game Fallout, which is set in a very grim post-apocalyptic world. Playing it is like being repeatedly smacked in the face with a 1950's idea of the future that has been printed on the side of a charred leg of pork. To Threads which has to be the most depressing TV program ever made. Half way through you will be hoping for a real nuclear attack, just to lighten the mood. But its not all war, radiation, famine, disease and burning northerners, there are also more tech advanced visions. Back to the future 2 promised us self drying clothes, flying cars and hover boards. There was a long running rumour that the film makers had in fact designed a real working hover board, but these were later dismissed due to it being a load of bollocks. Even TV lied to us about how good the future was going to be, remember Tomorrows world, well I do and I'm not happy TV used to be a friend, but it lied. My point is with all these visions from Deathrace 2000 to Space 1999 why is it that I'm living in said future and our biggest day to day technological masterpiece is an iphone with a spirit level app. By now I should be woken up by my robot butler, before I spray on a suit. Then I would take my breakfast pill (2 eggs over easy, crispy bacon, toast and coffee white 2 sugars) before I get into my flying car and travel to my job at the institute of Martian immigration. Is this the case, no I'm waking to a alarm clock putting on a Primark T-shirt and catching the 61 bus in the rain. In 1969 we landed on the moon, a massive achievement for mankind and what have we done since, sod all and why I here you cry from your moon base shattered dreams. It's because of health and safety. The bubble rap and germ spray brigade won't let you do anything that might cause the fracturing of a finger nail. We are being stunted by the fear that a few boffins might get a little bit blown up, boffins are ten a penny but a moon holiday home is priceless. So stop it with all the pansy arsing about and at least invent a hover board for me to fall off a few times, get bored with and throw under the bed. The future is here now pass me the death ray you deserve to be deleted.

Reclaim the night

Do you watch anything on terrestrial TV after 10.30 that isn't a repeat or a crappy movie, No, me neither. You want to know why? Its because that time of night and onwards is seen as a Televisual dumping ground. Take the case of BBC one's Sci/Fi drama bulls up Outcasts. Which was originally broadcast in prime time slots on a Monday & Tuesday, but when the dreaded ratings came in and it seemed only my family and a weirdo in Kent was watching they decided to move it to a 10.25 slot on a Sunday. But why is this the case? In this day and age surely there shouldn’t be a TV crap bin. In the book Cronenberg on Cronenberg the great film director talks about growing up in Canada and how after their official TV channel shut down for the night, you would get odd bursts of foreign broadcasting signal showing strange shows. This was one of the main influences for his brilliant and often over looked film Videodrome. Would this have been the case if he had seen our late night TV, what do we have, phone in game shows hosted by Jeff Brazier. So I purpose we take back the night, give the public the late night slots. There are a lot of talented people out there, but they don't get a look in because they are not part of the TV self masturbating boys club or don't have a insider to brown nose. With all the TV harddrive recorders on the market these days, Sky+, Sky+HD, Virgin+, Virgin+HD, Freeview+, Easyvirgin+HDin4D. Late night broadcasts are no longer the exclusive domain of the insomniac, dope head or the kebab carrying drunk returning home. Lets make a stand, lets start a TV revolution, not on the scale of that whole Egypt movement. For one I'm not getting the blame when someone throws Derek through the window of PC World and two I don't really do big crowds. But lets do something, maybe send some harsh emails, shout out the window, print a T-shirt I haven't any plans yet. We want decent films shown, we want good programs, we want to reclaim the night.

My youth in Garbage.

I remember a lot of things from my childhood with soft fluffy fondness. The cartoon He-man, making strange things from Lego, Saturday morning kids shows including Ghost train which no one else recalls. Around the twist which was the Australian kids version of The Twilight zone. ITV's Interceptor an ill advised game show along the same lines as Treasure hunt. But with a really annoying guy (Sean O'Kane) dressed like a punk undertaker chasing the contestants around some scenic UK locations with a cheap crappy 80s laser thing on his arm. But one thing stands head and shoulders over all of these, one item still to this day has me hunting through the interweb for bargains, Garbage Pail Kids. Garbage Pail Kids trading cards where made by Topps company in 1985 and where a parody of the very popular Cabbage patch kids. Each card would feature a Garbage kid who would have a abnormality or ill fate using their name as word play. To a imaginative young boy who loved the strange and horrible these where my bread and butter. I wasn't alone, Garbage Pail Kids cards where so popular that there was a ban put in place by a number of schools because they were becoming a distraction from the lessons. There was even a movie made, surprisingly called The Garbage Pail Kids Movie which was and I think a lot of collectors would agree a pile of yak crap. And even TV wasn't safe there was a cartoon made which was met with parental uproar before it was broadcast so much that it was postponed. Its funny because the cartoon was so mind numbingly terrible with little to no resemblance to the cards. I still have my collection of cards and last year payed a pretty penny for a whole set at a memorabilia show. To a lot of people they are just cards with pictures/art on (which they are). They don't form a number game like the rule heavy Japanese games or interact with plastic balls they are just cards but to me they are an example of the days that where a little less politically correct. Each set has its own differences some decided some accident. I have the set which features the only picture name plate card, there are cards that were cut wrong or printed wrong. All these were sent out into the shops and are now collectors items. Topps has printer new collections  and even a reissue collection (2010) but all of these are sold in the US. Even now as I write this I have a smile on my face like a gurning idiot remembering how I would go over the road to the shop to buy a packet of cards. The smell of the horrid crewing gum which looked like a small piece of wood and tasted like a very shitty small piece of wood and the excitement of new cards, oh happy days.

check out the link below to see how collectable these little cards from the 80s can be:
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/GARBAGE-PAIL-KIDS-RARE-1ST-SERIES-NASTY-NICK-ARTWORK-/150486809324?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2309b67aec

for more info visit:

http://www.wgpkr.com/

Book off and read

I like to read, to some people this is the equivalent of laughing at a burning kitten, strange and unnecessary. Because why should they read. Most books are made into movies quicker then the author can cash the first royalty check. Why should they sit there and try to work out what all those long words mean. But I love a good book as much as I love a good movie, which there hasn't been a great deal of as of late. Social Network was ok but did I really need to sit through a two hour flick about a intolerable little shit that comes up with an idea that makes him the richest intolerable little shit on the planet. Then there was Catfish, labelled the real Facebook movie which was to be frank, boring, it works on the same ideas as The Last Broadcast but without a fraction of the imagination. So is it any wonder I find solace in a book. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a book snob, you won't find me sat discussing the works of Chekhov, I'll give any book a go within reason. Now most of the books I have read have or are going to be made into movies, with different results but always never as good as the book. There is one movie that manages to insight anger everytime I compare the movie to the book. 'Let the right one in' (original title: Låt den rätte komma in) by John Ajvide Lindqvist is a Swedish novel set in the 80's about a friendship between a vampire and a young boy. The book is a masterful read which is entertaining as it is disturbing and there is some very disturbing subject matter that some people might find hard. The book has a great narrative with a twisting back story, I would recommend this to anyone who likes vampire novels and horror in general. Then we have the movie, made in Sweden four years after the book was released and yes it looks very arty, but they missed so many of the plot points it has in fact changed the story. It doesn’t sit on the shelve as an adaptation more of a simple inbreed bastard son who is so simple it sits there looking at the sun with a confused expression. And now the Hollywood shit pump has decided to make there version, which without doubt will miss even more of the story out. This isn't the first time this has happened and won't be the last 'The Ring' has had the same mistreatment, a cult book, followed by a cult movie and then the Americans spat out their version. My problem is with all the movie dicking about the books get over looked everytime and the books are always much better. Here is a print off pointer for some cult books you should read.

'I am Legend' by Richard Matheson (3 movies based on the same short novel), 'The Ring' by Koji Suzuki (3 Japanese movie, 2 American), 'Choke' by Chuck Palahniuk (1 movie), 'Fightclub' by Chuck Palahniuk (1 movie), 'Perfume: The story of a Murderer' by Patrick Suskind (1 movie which to be fair was alright), 'Johnny got his gun' by Dalton Trumbo (1 movie). There are many more so go now and read and if you don't like the book I'm sure the author won't hesitate to give you your money back, because you won't get a penny out of me. As of writing this I have heard that they are planning to make a movie of the Chuck Palahniuk novel 'Snuff' so I suggest you go and read the book first....go now!