Books & Me

I keep my head lowered, I'm starting to feel the panic. The others that are before me are doing ok but my turn is coming to soon. I pray for the end of the lesson, but this doesn’t happen. I start reading and its going ok until I miss read one word which causes some of the others to laugh. My turn is over and I sink into the chair as the girl next to me carries on. This happened a long time ago but the memory never fades. I have always had problems with reading and writing. Through school this was very apparent, not to the point that I was put into special lessons, I just hid myself away, one of the kids that never stands out. I once wrote a short story about a man at the end of the world for a English class project. The story won a prize for creative writing, my mom was so proud. The award was going to be given out at a special evening where other schools and pupils would attend. I was told a couple of days before that I would have to read my short story out in front of everyone. The thought of this made me panic so much that I told them that I didn't want to go. My mom was very disappointed but she didn't show it, I knew I had let her down and even now I regret it. You see dyslexia was never really talked about in those days like it is now so I just tried my best. It was after school that I started to read in my own time. I had always wanted to, I knew that there was some very special things behind those covers but when ever I started I would find it too hard and give up. This was the case for many years until one book. I was at the time listening to Metallica and one of their songs is based on a book called 'Johnny Got His Gun' by Dalton Trumbo. I was intrigued by this and asked for the book as a Christmas present. I started reading it on Christmas day and didn't stop. Slowly I made my way through it and my love for books was born. I absolutely love to read now, even though I'm not that fast. I have spend many an evening in the pub ranting about a book I have read to friends to the point were I thought that they might drink up and walk out. I now work in a book shop in the hope to get more people like me reading, I want everyone to find that book that opens up the world of the written word like I did and pass that passion onto the next generation because the book is the unlimited reflection of the imagination. 

follow my passion for books at Kings of Geekdom

Long hair, water & children who need sun beds. J-horror

I press the PLAY button and sit back. I know what's coming, I've seen it many times. But it's only recently that I have read the novel this particular movie is based on, which is slightly shameful as I've had the book for almost three years now. In my defence I have a lot of books, I don't mean I have all the Harry Potter's, I have a lot of book and the fact that I get free books from work reinforces my statement. I digress, the movie is Ring or Ringu as it is known in Japan. So why does this movie hold a place in my heart, well I'll paint the picture. Back many years ago I took a trip to my local video store. I'd seen a review in a obscure magazine regarding a new Japanese horror that sounded completely different from the stuff that was being released from America and the UK. This was the time when western cinema was dominated by self-aware teen slasher movies. Now I'm in no way slatting these movies, the first Scream is very important in the history of the horror genre. It broke the rules by being self-aware, which means that it acknowledges other horror movies that came before it. But after the success of Scream it was inevitable that other film makes would ride the new wave, so for the next few years that's all we got.

 

The review wasn't big, it wasn't proclaiming to have found a new voice in horror, in fact I think it was very short. The one thing that the review did have was a small picture of the video/DVD cover. If you have seen the cover art then you know it is very striking, I think that may have been the thing that caught my attention. Anyway, so I'm in the video store looking through all the new releases, trying to find something different when I remember the review. I rush up to the guy behind the desk. 'Have you got a movie called Ring?'. He looked a little confused, and then he seemed to be struck by sudden memory or had a small stroke, I can't be sure he was a little strange looking to start with. 'Yeah, its over there, bottom row, behind the door with 3 awful sci-fi movies in front of it. I didn't know what to expect, at this point I hadn't seen that many subtitled movies. After 96 minutes of solid plot that builds to a very memorable climax I was very impressed. Being the geek that I am I did a little research and found out that they had filmed a sequel Ringu 2, so off to the video store I went. 'Hi, do you have Ring 2?' This time he wasn't confused, I think he remembered me. 'No dude, but I could get it from another store for you'.

After a couple of days waiting I got the second movie. Now as I would come to realise the Japanese have a tendency to really run with an idea until it becomes totally bizarre. Ring 2 is a good movie and carries on the story well but had a few strange ideas. To my delight they made a third movie Ring 0. My new friend at the video store was a little less helpful this time. 'Sorry dude, we won't be getting it, and no one has it, you are the only person to rent these movies'. Damn I would have to buy it, so I did. Now did I mention that the Japanese have a way of really making something totally bizarre in a special way, well that's Ring 0.

As I mentioned at the start these movies are very roughly based on the 3 Ring novels written by koji Suzuki (Ring, Spiral & Loop). When I say roughly I do mean it, the first book is about two guys, the first movie is about a woman and son. The books do go off into the world of virus's.

So by now I'm looking for the next J-horror and another title pops ups Ju-on The Grudge. This is a very clever take on the haunted house story. Which featured a creepy cat, a ghost woman with long black hair which seems to be a running theme and a little boy who is really, really pale skinned. As with the Ring, The Grudge was very successful and spawned an American remake, probably for those who can't read subtitles. Now most who know me in person will know this already, but I'm not afraid to say it here, the remake scared the crap out of me. And this is why I love these movies. Now you have to show this blog to someone or in one week you will die by an evil spirit woman with no local hair dressers stuffing a soaking wet cat in your mouth as a little pale boy rebuilds a well in your back garden.

Dredd

 

I sit waiting, a little bit nervous. I shouldn't be nervous this has nothing to do with me apart from the fact that I am a fan and that I've dragged a good friend along and I don't want to inflict an awful movie on someone else. I'd like to say that the lights go down and the movie starts but we are 'treated' to a load of adverts and trailers for upcoming attractions. One of which is for the new Resident Evil. I don't recall what number we are on now in the series, and I don't care, it seems that the only redeeming aspect for the movie is the 3D element because from what I saw it looks a mess. Finally after what seems like a long time the main feature starts. From the first moment you notice the difference from the other one. Maybe at this point we should pause and talk about the other one.

In 1995 Sylvester Stallone got off a bike and shouted the words 'I am the law!'. This was the start of the long awaited live action version of the British comic book Judge Dredd. The comic had been running since 1977 and had gained a very loyal fan base. The movie looked ok, but as it went on the foundations started to crumble and eventually fell apart completely when Stallone did the unthinkable, he removed the helmet. The movie on a whole left fans angry and let down and it was placed on a shelve to gather dust.

Its now 2012 and here I am again watching another Judge Dredd movie. Not a sequel but a reboot, the fact is that even the film makers want to forget the other movie so this one is just called DREDD hoping that people will not be put off by the horrible memoirs.

To the actual movie, the plot is simple it relies on one of the oldest plot lines in movie history the 'storming the castle' story. But this is not a bad thing it helps build the characters quickly and more importantly it brings the action into a close personal environment. The action is what this movie is all about and when people say its violent they are not wrong, but this is perfect for the Dredd/2000ad universe. Karl Urban is the judge this time and he doesn’t remove his helmet, main box ticked. I don't want to spoil the movie so I won't go into detail. Fact is the 3D works due to the crafty use of a story element called 'slo-mo', a drug taken by the scum of Mega city 1. The acting is good and Urban nails Dredd with the right amount of dry one liners and menace.

So does the movie work? Yes it does, I've read a lot of Judge Dredd stories and this is a fair representation of the 2000ad universe. The fact is that this movie needs to make $50 mil' in the US to get a sequel, now before you start this would be part of a story arch much like the Batman movies, and I feel that we need to see more, the rumour has it that if that happens there might be a chance of Judge Death turning up.....fingers crossed.

  

The machine rages on with Million Empire

'Its a sweat box down there' I'm told, but at the moment as I'm nursing a poorly self advised coke with ice that doesn't seem all that bad. The sweat box is infact as the  rip off Vegas style sign reads the fabulous Sunflower lounge. Now the fabulous statement might be questionable, the lounge is small, not tiny, you could swing a cat, if you're under 5 foot and the cat is a kitten. I look down at the floating ice as a cool breeze sweeps up the road, someone mentions going down stairs and the cups on the floor and I'm moving before they finish the sentence.
For a live music venue its small, but has a nice punk feeling to it. I'm here to watch a band called Million Empire who are second on in a three band bill. The first band take to the stage and there's a moment that I prey they are not to bad as the thought of returning to the cold outside sends a chill through me. The singer reminds me of someone I used to work with, and the musics not exactly to my taste but I'd stood through a lot worse only a few week earlier. By now the place is full and it feels nice to be squashed into a small basement as overly loud music assaults my ears. That might sound strange but to people who go to unsigned gigs this is our bread and butter. The band like the sound of their own voices between songs and we are treated to some 'humour' but it feels like we've all been left out of the loop and maybe its a band thing. They finish and the shift starts, these are those manic moments between bands when music equipment is moved onto the stage and used stuff is moved out. For us its the moments where the lady's go to the toilets and the men head to the bar. Me I'm fumbling with a camcorder and feeling lied to, I'm still bloody cold. After a few moments and more people flooding in Million Empire take to the stage. The first song is 'Hunt with desire' its the perfect song to start, hitting the captive crowd with a wall of sound that leaves you unable to do anything but watch. The set thunders through and I here someone singing in the crowd which brings a smile to my face. The temperature thankfully starts to rise as the band thrash out the songs, by thrash I don't mean they play 80's style thrash music, I mean they play with a lot of energy and as they put it 'balls to the wall'. I shift a little to get a better view with the camcorder which by now is the main and only reason all the blood is rushing from my hand. With the fear of fluid collecting in my elbow and ending up with some kind of hideous elephant man type extremity I carry on. The set comes to a loud energetic end and as the hum dies there are shouts of more. I thankfully press stop and check for a football sized elbow, I'm ok I'll live to see another Million Empire show.

Additional content: A video from Million Empire's show at the Flapper Birmingham:
Million Empire live: 'My Honour'

PS3 vs Xbox 360 (the great war like thingy)

There's a bitter war taking place right now as you read this nonsense. Out there in the homes of ordinary folk like me and maybe you. A long running battle that has seen many casualties, many names called and even a stick, a really big stick. For years now there has been absolutely no room to sit on the fence and if there was it would only result in a case of splintered arse.

Its either PS3 or Xbox 360. (and I bet even now there are readers who are saying Xbox should come first). The two gaming giants have been going head to head since the infant years of the original Xbox and Playstation. I started with the big old white Playstation (1) mainly on the back of the then amazing Destruction Derby. This was a huge step in home gaming, and the price showed it, but we bit the bullet and emptied our piggy banks to bask in the new gen' greatness. This was worlds apart from the likes of the SNES or Megadrive or even the amazing Atari 2600 (baby) which I still have minus the power and TV connection. From that point I set up tent in the Playstation camp.

In those early days a Playstation could be 'cracked' or 'chipped' very easy and most just involved the comical 'hot swap'. If you did this you could get games for about £5, but I never partook in this non-parrot boat-less piracy, and still managed to build a good library. For many years I went through the Playstation's. The 1^st (big white), 2^nd (little white), Playstation 2 (big black) and finally Playstation 2 (little black). I loved the Playstation 2 and had tons of games, some good, some bad, and some that carried the label 'what the hell was I thinking' and a few carrying the label 'what the hell was the game maker thinking.' (Backyard wrestling I'm looking at you).

Change was coming and time was not on the side of my old friend the Playstation 2. New Tech' was being built and suddenly on the horizon like the monolith in 2001 a space odyssey stood the mighty PS3 it sounded too good to be true. But the line in the sand had been drawn and Microsoft rushed out their next gen machine the Xbox 360 and boy did it make an impact. Wireless controllers, eye watering graphics and online play that had never been seen before.

After many years of Sony I gave in to the Xbox and brought a bog standard 360 telling the women in the shop, who I thought was a little bit pushy (I never did get on with the staff in Game) 'that I wouldn't go online'. Not a long time after I was talked into buying a used copy of Call of Duty: Modern warfare and 'jacking in' and from then on my Thursday day off from work became game day. Armed with my headset and a few friends on list, it was shouting, laughing and shooting fun and the DucK clan was born (worst game clan ever created and proud of it). But as with everything like that it was going to end ...and it did with the horrible red ring of death. A fault with over heating and some screw thing, I don’t know the technical side and don’t care, as far as I was concerned 'game box no play no more!' I sent my 360 off to get it fixed in Germany, but my eyes had strayed to the new 'slim' version PS3 which had just had a big price drop. So still 'burned' by my red ring encounter (that sounds so wrong) I packed up my 360 games and plastic bits and bobs and headed off to my local Gamestation.

£183 that's how much I got for the little stash, I was over the moon and out the door with my shiny new PS3 with a couple of games.

So what about the fixed 360, well I've still got it but its in the box it came back in. I haven't wanted to buy the new 'slim' 360, I'm happy with my PS3 and have already built a nice collection of games.

So where do I sit (apart from the sofa) well at the mo' PS3. So whine about all the plus points of your Xbox, or just shout 'Xbox rules' over and over again. All I will say is I have been there and done that.

Splatter that punk?

After reading some non horror as of late, I have decided to jump neck deep into the gore and piss by searching out the cult like writing style of Splatterpunk. This extreme style of horror first come to the public eye in the 80's. The name Splatterpunk was coined by writer David J. Schow, at a convention describing a movement in writing at the time that went far beyond anything else that had come before it. It was hyper intensive horror with no limits. After a search on the internet I found a few books that were 'classed' as Splatterpunk, and more importantly these were books I might be able to get hold of. Now its unsure what really makes a novel extreme enough to be classed as Splatterpunk as the phrase has died out over the years so some might see these book as the real thing and some might not, its up to the individuals sense of gore and violence.

The first book I got was 'The Cellar' (1980) by the late Richard Laymon. Laymon built a following by cutting straight to the gore and sex. Unlike writers such as Stephen King. 'The Cellar' was his first novel and the first book in the Beast House trilogy. The book tells the story of a house that has a history of beast attacks and is opened up to the public as a museum of the macabre. We follow a mother & daughter on the run from an prison escaped lunatic husband and a couple of men who set out to tackle the house head on.

This is a short book 256 pages (paperback) so Laymon doesn't weight his writing down with character development. The whole book reads like a B-movie horror. Now that is not a bad thing, if you like your gore and sex upfront. The problem I found with the book was the balance of the two. Laymon focus's on the lunatic husbands actions, but its not the violence that he describes in detail but the paedophile acts he does. This was done to shock, and it does. But when it comes to the climax of the story and the downfall of the husband the reader is left feeling let down. The whole end seems rushed and the husbands demise is very poor as throughout the book you really want him to suffer the most horrible death imaginable.

I have also read the 3^rd book in the trilogy called The Midnight tour this is considerably longer then the other two books and its clear that Laymon had developed as a writer over the years. This time he tries his hand at character development but never really pulls it off as the characters seem hard and unreal. The horror is typical Laymon but again the end seems a mess of ideas and some of the action seems rushed.

I am at the moment reading The Woods are dark by Richard Laymon and I have to be honest I'm not really enjoying it. I can see how back in the early 80's this may have been a shocker. The trademark sex and gore of Laymon is there and I didn't expect anything less as this was his second published book and the one book that nearly killed his Career as a writer due to very poor editing by the publisher and very dubious cover art (see picture) 

These books may not be Splatterpunk but they do indeed contain some very gory moments. There are a number of other authors that have been put in the same vain, Shaun Hutson's Slugs and Jack Ketchum's Off season. Personally I don't find these books that shocking, mainly due to the fact that they were written so long ago and most haven't aged well. Much of the shocking material has now become a common occurrence in horror movies. If you really want a disturbing read that will entertain and is balanced look no further then the vampire novel Let the right one in by John Ajvide Lindqvist.

Boot the reboots

Since the first time early man made fire there was another man stood looking over his shoulder grunting. If we could build a translating machine strap it to a time machine, pick that exact point in time and translated those grunts it would go something like 'I could do better than that and I would have made it blue'. Jump back in said time machine and travel to now and the same thing is happening in the movies. Every week there seems to be a remake or as the studio suits are calling them 'reboot'. In 2002 Spiderman was released, it was ok, directed by Sam Raimi it told the story of Peter Parker and his journey as he becomes the web slinger. Ramini went onto do two more movies including number three which was a waste of the Venom character. But now they are 'rebooting' the series with what looks like a darker story much in the vain of the Batman movies made by Nolan. My question is do we need these remakes or reboots? One remake I could of done without and even now makes me sad was the remake of Rollerball. The original Rollerball starring James Caan was a great movie, set in a future dominate by a violent sport called Rollerball. The remake was to put it plainly shite, nothing seemed right and the sport didn't have the impact and what the hell was all that night vision crap about. Then there was the horror remakes that became the fashion, we got Friday 13^th it seemed pointless and brought nothing to the story. The remake of A nightmare on Elm street did much the same just a few more CGI effects. Then there was the remake of Halloween now this was a different animal. Director Rob Zombie decided not to just update but tell the story from a slightly different point of view. For me this worked and I enjoyed it. The second movie was a bit hit and miss. They even remade Day of the dead which from start to finish had me asking only one question how did they con some poor shmuck into paying for this tripe. And then the remake of The Wicker man, oh my god the original was a horror masterpiece, Woodward played a man of strict Christian faith on a pagan island and the end was all the more horrific because of his unshakable love for his god. The remake with Cage in the roll just seemed lack-lustre and boring. Now there's news of a Second Blob remake Surely this is a sign that the movie machine has run out of ideas, maybe they have shot them selves in the foot by making it increasingly hard for new talent to come through. There needs to be a shift in the business or we will only have the remake of Avatar to look forward to..I give it a year.

Recipe for deep fried TV

This blog is a collaboration with Kerri's Kitchen. kleighskitchen.blogspot.com

God forbid and this is only a hypothetical situation, don't panic, but what if the battery in your TV remote control ran out and no matter how hard you pressed the button or hit it it just wouldn't work. Crushed by the notion of trying to lift your mass out of the chair. What would happen? Well you would end up watching a TV cookery show. There are so many cookery shows on the box these days that it is literary imposable to not be watching one at any given time, and I am, its a hideous cross between Come dine with me and Blind date, called Dinner Date. It seems that if you can open a tin of beans without blood shed and lose of a finger a TV channel will throw a gravy covered contract at you. No oversized chocolate chip cookie is left unturned, everything to do with cooking is right there on the old picture box, just a click away. From the informative how to shows that actually instruct you step by step how not burn down your house while baking bread to the ever popular elaborate 'cooking' shows. These are the shows that take one cooking skill and push it to the extreme. Take Ace of Cakes a program about a Baltimore bakery called Charm City Cakes. The opening credits inform us that the bakery is run by Duff who doesn't bake by the rules, they make it bigger, better and more extreme. These are cakes that might come with moving parts and even fireworks. Then there is Man vs Food a kind of road-challenge-eating show where a man travels across America taking up the elaborate and most of the time sickening food challenges dinner offer. From eating a stake the size of a body board in 20 minutes to woofing down enough sea food to repopulate a fishing port. The list is endless, like chocolate then these choccywoccydoodah a show based in a chocolate sculpting shop which is as camp as the title implies. How about a middle aged man swearing and spitting out deep fried spiders? then there's Gordon's Great Escape where the UK's own Gordon Ramsay travels to the corners of the globe and eats bizarre local meals. Or would you like a British guy telling the Americans that they are killing their kids with the 'food' they serve up in the schools. Then you will be right at, too much sugar, mystery meat home with Jamie's American food revolution, where the cockney lad makes much needed demonstrations using tons of sugar and pink slim. My point being is, it seems now more then ever that people are thinking about and learning about food. So next time you take out that frozen curry and throw it in the microwave, maybe turn on the box, skip past The Simpsons (blasphemy) and get the recipe for boiled spider with chocolate rice followed by a ton of mustard flavoured ice-cream

Play it again (or not, its up to you)

There is this group on Facebook called the '30 day music challenge.' I love music, but after reading the rules I decided not to participate. Because I'm too indecisive and the day 1 rule caused a impulse of neuron feedback only experienced by kids stupid enough to try and get their kite down from a power pylon. So here is my version, its shorter, unstructured and I might sneak in a few swear words.

I just can't pick one singular song as my favourite, its like trying to pick your favourite strand of hair or ass cheek. So here is a few I will always grab to break the silence. 'Everyday is exactly the same' by Nine Inch Nail. NIN will probably pop up a few times in this list but I love this song because we all can sympathies with the lyrics about a life that seems to repeat it self. 'Frances farmer will have her revenge on Seattle' by Nirvana. Like most spotty, moody teen tear aways I found my angst perfectly transformed into music in the form of the album in utero. This song often gets over looked but I love the fact it sounds like a practice there is such a thing as over producing. And 'I am the walrus' by The Beatles a song of complete nonsense with almost Dali style lyrics, again this gets over looked well the whole album gets over looked because of it being more of a sound track for the film then an album but I love it, and even with the possibility of being stoned to death, dare I say I like this album more then 'Sgt peppers.'

One song always manages to put a smile on my face even when its a really shitty day, and has me singing out loud is 'flagpole sitta' by Harvey Danger. If you read the lyrics, this song is very depressing but the delivery of those lyrics is just the best, very up beat and its the theme to Peep show.

Back in the day I used to spend a lot of time in Cornwall body-boarding and there is one album that reminds me of those hazy days in the sun sitting on the beach or around a BBQ burning sausages while waiting for the swell or driving the coast road from Newquay to Padstow. 'Glow' by Reef. Every time I hear 'Consideration' I can almost taste the salt water. Not to sound like Neal Smug from Smug town USA but I've seen more bands live then I can recall one that stands out is Damien Rice. Ok so he's not a band but when I heard the song 'Me, My Yoke and I' live I was blown away this singer song writer had more intensity then most heavy bands I have seen, real hairs standing on end time. The song is not one that gets played a lot like 'Cannonball' or the 'Blower's Daughter' but I love it, I'm also partial to 'Rootless Trees' and 'Coconut Skins'.

There are hundreds of songs I could mention but I don't want to turn this into a bloody epic so I'm going to condense the rest into a quick blast few lines. Nine Inch Nails, 'Hurt' because when everyone in Birmingham Academy was singing this soft confession of a song it was simply amazing. 'The End' by The Doors no big reason I just like it same as 'Paint it Black' by The Rolling Stones, 'Transmission' by Joy division, 'Can't dance to disco' by Feeder, 'The Passanger' by Iggy Pop, 'Pure' by 3 Colours Red, just really well written songs. Etc, etc, etc, (the list is never ending).

Writing or: how I stopped wasting time and learnt to love the cattle prod.

I stare at the computer screen like a moron trying to decipher the tear here message on a packet of digestives. The courser blinks mockingly as my brain slowly comes to a stop. This happens to me all the time, because for a while now I have wanted to be a writer. Not for the fame or even the money, even through I could do with the money. I just want to create something, something I can sit on a shelve and let it gather dust, something I can look at in years to come and think, at least I didn't spend all that time on Facebook. But I have a problem, I lack self motivation. I can have a cracking idea, have it all planed out in my head, characters, locations, plot twists, even the name of the dog. I set about writing but something goes wrong. The saying goes 'we all have one good book in us'. I believe I do, but at the moment the only way to get it out would be to crack open my head and feed on the sweet nectar inside. There are novelists like James Patterson who quite possibly cough up books on demand. I think he has a team of writers locked away in a basement, rewarding them with sun light for every 100 pages, just check out his back catalogue. I have tried this but it does come with a few draw backs. Apparently the writing zombies do need food and water and sometimes they do fight back in horrible, horrible ways. I digress, I think the problem comes when I over think what I am writing, not in the plot or the story it's self but I can and have sat in front of the computer deciding what style to write in and get nothing done. So what do I need to do? Well I could get someone to transcribe from tapes, but who has the time and patients to do that or and I think you will all agree this might be the best and most productive way, is to buy a bloody big cattle prod and have someone sit behind me jabbing away everytime I take my hands off the keyboard or avert my eyes from the screen. I could even go as far as install eye clamps like A clockwork orange. Maybe just maybe I would finely get the story I've had in my head for years about the isolated small town that gets cut off by a snow storm and discover something very strange in a field. Or the story of a man who's in a horrendous accident and ends up trapped in his own bloodline, I would love to get these out into the real world and onto paper, I could go on but I won't, I've called Jenkins to fetch the car, I'm going shopping for a prod.

Flying Skateboard?

Where is my flying skateboard? A question we have all asked at one point or another. Come to think of it where is my holiday home on the moon and the giant invading bugs from outer space? Ok so maybe not the last one, but the other stuff is differently missing. Anyone who knows me will know I'm a geek, anything to do with the future and what people think it will bring has me dribbling like a rabid dog. Everything from the computer game Fallout, which is set in a very grim post-apocalyptic world. Playing it is like being repeatedly smacked in the face with a 1950's idea of the future that has been printed on the side of a charred leg of pork. To Threads which has to be the most depressing TV program ever made. Half way through you will be hoping for a real nuclear attack, just to lighten the mood. But its not all war, radiation, famine, disease and burning northerners, there are also more tech advanced visions. Back to the future 2 promised us self drying clothes, flying cars and hover boards. There was a long running rumour that the film makers had in fact designed a real working hover board, but these were later dismissed due to it being a load of bollocks. Even TV lied to us about how good the future was going to be, remember Tomorrows world, well I do and I'm not happy TV used to be a friend, but it lied. My point is with all these visions from Deathrace 2000 to Space 1999 why is it that I'm living in said future and our biggest day to day technological masterpiece is an iphone with a spirit level app. By now I should be woken up by my robot butler, before I spray on a suit. Then I would take my breakfast pill (2 eggs over easy, crispy bacon, toast and coffee white 2 sugars) before I get into my flying car and travel to my job at the institute of Martian immigration. Is this the case, no I'm waking to a alarm clock putting on a Primark T-shirt and catching the 61 bus in the rain. In 1969 we landed on the moon, a massive achievement for mankind and what have we done since, sod all and why I here you cry from your moon base shattered dreams. It's because of health and safety. The bubble rap and germ spray brigade won't let you do anything that might cause the fracturing of a finger nail. We are being stunted by the fear that a few boffins might get a little bit blown up, boffins are ten a penny but a moon holiday home is priceless. So stop it with all the pansy arsing about and at least invent a hover board for me to fall off a few times, get bored with and throw under the bed. The future is here now pass me the death ray you deserve to be deleted.

Reclaim the night

Do you watch anything on terrestrial TV after 10.30 that isn't a repeat or a crappy movie, No, me neither. You want to know why? Its because that time of night and onwards is seen as a Televisual dumping ground. Take the case of BBC one's Sci/Fi drama bulls up Outcasts. Which was originally broadcast in prime time slots on a Monday & Tuesday, but when the dreaded ratings came in and it seemed only my family and a weirdo in Kent was watching they decided to move it to a 10.25 slot on a Sunday. But why is this the case? In this day and age surely there shouldn’t be a TV crap bin. In the book Cronenberg on Cronenberg the great film director talks about growing up in Canada and how after their official TV channel shut down for the night, you would get odd bursts of foreign broadcasting signal showing strange shows. This was one of the main influences for his brilliant and often over looked film Videodrome. Would this have been the case if he had seen our late night TV, what do we have, phone in game shows hosted by Jeff Brazier. So I purpose we take back the night, give the public the late night slots. There are a lot of talented people out there, but they don't get a look in because they are not part of the TV self masturbating boys club or don't have a insider to brown nose. With all the TV harddrive recorders on the market these days, Sky+, Sky+HD, Virgin+, Virgin+HD, Freeview+, Easyvirgin+HDin4D. Late night broadcasts are no longer the exclusive domain of the insomniac, dope head or the kebab carrying drunk returning home. Lets make a stand, lets start a TV revolution, not on the scale of that whole Egypt movement. For one I'm not getting the blame when someone throws Derek through the window of PC World and two I don't really do big crowds. But lets do something, maybe send some harsh emails, shout out the window, print a T-shirt I haven't any plans yet. We want decent films shown, we want good programs, we want to reclaim the night.

My youth in Garbage.

I remember a lot of things from my childhood with soft fluffy fondness. The cartoon He-man, making strange things from Lego, Saturday morning kids shows including Ghost train which no one else recalls. Around the twist which was the Australian kids version of The Twilight zone. ITV's Interceptor an ill advised game show along the same lines as Treasure hunt. But with a really annoying guy (Sean O'Kane) dressed like a punk undertaker chasing the contestants around some scenic UK locations with a cheap crappy 80s laser thing on his arm. But one thing stands head and shoulders over all of these, one item still to this day has me hunting through the interweb for bargains, Garbage Pail Kids. Garbage Pail Kids trading cards where made by Topps company in 1985 and where a parody of the very popular Cabbage patch kids. Each card would feature a Garbage kid who would have a abnormality or ill fate using their name as word play. To a imaginative young boy who loved the strange and horrible these where my bread and butter. I wasn't alone, Garbage Pail Kids cards where so popular that there was a ban put in place by a number of schools because they were becoming a distraction from the lessons. There was even a movie made, surprisingly called The Garbage Pail Kids Movie which was and I think a lot of collectors would agree a pile of yak crap. And even TV wasn't safe there was a cartoon made which was met with parental uproar before it was broadcast so much that it was postponed. Its funny because the cartoon was so mind numbingly terrible with little to no resemblance to the cards. I still have my collection of cards and last year payed a pretty penny for a whole set at a memorabilia show. To a lot of people they are just cards with pictures/art on (which they are). They don't form a number game like the rule heavy Japanese games or interact with plastic balls they are just cards but to me they are an example of the days that where a little less politically correct. Each set has its own differences some decided some accident. I have the set which features the only picture name plate card, there are cards that were cut wrong or printed wrong. All these were sent out into the shops and are now collectors items. Topps has printer new collections  and even a reissue collection (2010) but all of these are sold in the US. Even now as I write this I have a smile on my face like a gurning idiot remembering how I would go over the road to the shop to buy a packet of cards. The smell of the horrid crewing gum which looked like a small piece of wood and tasted like a very shitty small piece of wood and the excitement of new cards, oh happy days.

check out the link below to see how collectable these little cards from the 80s can be:
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/GARBAGE-PAIL-KIDS-RARE-1ST-SERIES-NASTY-NICK-ARTWORK-/150486809324?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2309b67aec

for more info visit:

http://www.wgpkr.com/

Book off and read

I like to read, to some people this is the equivalent of laughing at a burning kitten, strange and unnecessary. Because why should they read. Most books are made into movies quicker then the author can cash the first royalty check. Why should they sit there and try to work out what all those long words mean. But I love a good book as much as I love a good movie, which there hasn't been a great deal of as of late. Social Network was ok but did I really need to sit through a two hour flick about a intolerable little shit that comes up with an idea that makes him the richest intolerable little shit on the planet. Then there was Catfish, labelled the real Facebook movie which was to be frank, boring, it works on the same ideas as The Last Broadcast but without a fraction of the imagination. So is it any wonder I find solace in a book. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a book snob, you won't find me sat discussing the works of Chekhov, I'll give any book a go within reason. Now most of the books I have read have or are going to be made into movies, with different results but always never as good as the book. There is one movie that manages to insight anger everytime I compare the movie to the book. 'Let the right one in' (original title: Låt den rätte komma in) by John Ajvide Lindqvist is a Swedish novel set in the 80's about a friendship between a vampire and a young boy. The book is a masterful read which is entertaining as it is disturbing and there is some very disturbing subject matter that some people might find hard. The book has a great narrative with a twisting back story, I would recommend this to anyone who likes vampire novels and horror in general. Then we have the movie, made in Sweden four years after the book was released and yes it looks very arty, but they missed so many of the plot points it has in fact changed the story. It doesn’t sit on the shelve as an adaptation more of a simple inbreed bastard son who is so simple it sits there looking at the sun with a confused expression. And now the Hollywood shit pump has decided to make there version, which without doubt will miss even more of the story out. This isn't the first time this has happened and won't be the last 'The Ring' has had the same mistreatment, a cult book, followed by a cult movie and then the Americans spat out their version. My problem is with all the movie dicking about the books get over looked everytime and the books are always much better. Here is a print off pointer for some cult books you should read.

'I am Legend' by Richard Matheson (3 movies based on the same short novel), 'The Ring' by Koji Suzuki (3 Japanese movie, 2 American), 'Choke' by Chuck Palahniuk (1 movie), 'Fightclub' by Chuck Palahniuk (1 movie), 'Perfume: The story of a Murderer' by Patrick Suskind (1 movie which to be fair was alright), 'Johnny got his gun' by Dalton Trumbo (1 movie). There are many more so go now and read and if you don't like the book I'm sure the author won't hesitate to give you your money back, because you won't get a penny out of me. As of writing this I have heard that they are planning to make a movie of the Chuck Palahniuk novel 'Snuff' so I suggest you go and read the book first....go now!

Your place or Myspace?

 Set your grey knowledge sponges back to a simpler time. The country was run by one man and not two buffoons, petrol didn't cost the price of a small semi in Essex and a band from the Warrel, England called 'The Seal Cub Clubbing Club' launched them selves into the public eye. For those of you still in the dark like a trainee chef locked in the walk in freezer or, and I wince at this, are to young to remember it was in fact 2003. I was working in a completely dull and somewhat pointless job in a magazine and news paper sorting depo. Sending out misplaced mag's and papers to shops that would eventually send them to a returns department when they didn't sell (I had also worked there). Across the pond a new website was about to be set free into the mysterious and wonderful world of the inter-web. Myspace, and it was all about being yourself. Design your page, add a photo and get all your mates to sign up and message and laugh and post witty comments and oh the fun we had like crazy internet fools. It was like a big bloody phone chat that you didn't need to stay in for but with pic's of drunks and glitter writing. You could even have a Myspace for your band, and we did. You could upload your dodge rehearsal room recordings to inflict on anyone who had the misfortune to venture on to your space. For awhile this was great, I would spend hours and hours looking for new and exciting backgrounds or layouts. I used to write blogs almost daily and in the hight of our time I had over a hundred readers a week. Which is no mean feat in this day and age when you can't take a breath without having to read someone's theory on how bad it is for you. But all this was about to fall apart like a shoddy built house of cards. A new social network site had arrived and it was building a reputation fast. Facebook was marketed on its simplicity, gone where the eye bleeding, badly made layouts and backgrounds that any spotty gimp could build. With Facebook everyone's page looked the same, a simple blue and white interface. It was all about status's and comments and Facebook was poaching Myspace users by the bucket load everyday. Myspace tried to stop this by changing its homepage layout over and over again to the point where every time you signed in you would have to learn how to use it all again. I still have my Myspace but rarely use it, it has changed beyond all recognition. Its now like being hit in the face by a load of misplaced fonts. The whole thing feels like the good people at Myspace have let the new guy have a go at designing while they go out for a fag. I look back at my Myspace years like a hazy summer flash back from an over mushy TV movie. They where great times and we were the true kings of the social network.

TV if that is its real name.

 

January, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Well no, it's good for feeling fat after Christmas, being cold and hating that all those birthdays will be coming around again, with the cards and presents and banners and bloody balloons, damn it, January is crap. It sits there all optimistic about how this year could be a fresh start. So what has this year got going for it to lord over 2010 like a snotty big brother who won a tenner on the lottery. Lets have a look at the forth coming TV like the spirit of Nostradamus. TV is the reason I started The Radiation Tube and have carried it through the different forms it has taken over the years. So to 2011 well first up and this has already started is CSI: Vegas, the best of the CSI's in my view. Miami has Horatio, who has two talents, taking off his sun glasses and suddenly appearing from nowhere like he is the only person to own a teleporter. New York just seems dull, but I can't say to much because I've never really sat down and watched a lot of it, due to the fact that if I was to watch all the CSI's I wouldn't have time to watch anything else. I'm personally waiting for CSI: London which would feature a group of cockneys trying to stop the rain washing away the evidence from a murder in a beer garden in Peckham. The one program that never fails to attract a fever pitch level of anticipation is Doctor Who. Of course a lot of viewers left with David Tennant but I like Matt Smith he brings the foolish fun aspect back to the Doctor something that Tennant managed to drain towards the end of his shift. It seems River Song is back like curry trapped wind. Don't get me wrong I don't mind the character but if I hear her 'spoilers' catchphrase again I might just have to write a harsh E-mail using the words 'knob', 'bum hole' and 'arse face'. One thing they need to do is to do a good Cyberman story after the complete balls up of that Christmas special with the f**king Cyber king. The Daleks might pop up again but lets hope not they need a rest, the poor pepper pot bastards. There is a new series starting on ITV called 'Marchland', the ads tempt with an almost Twin Peaks style drama but I won't hold my breath. I fear we have all been spoilt by the likes of Lost and 24 and not in the good way but with the over used and tiresome shocking twist, that is as shocking as the sun rise. Also the new series of Sherlock which on paper sounds like a complete nightmare, a modern take on the classic Sherlock Holmes character with that guy from The Office as the good doctor. But in fact it was quite good and I hope Professor Moriarty returns, a great evil mastermind with a camp and crazy side, yeah even as I write this its sounds crap but you will have to trust me and tune in

The Celuloide gag.

Movies, aren’t they the best. Little moving picture packages of escapism. Anyone who says they don't like Movies are filthy liars and should be taken to the town hall, dipped in offal and thrown to a pack of hungry jack russell's, because Movies are great. They can make us laugh, they make us cry, some make us angry and some are just there to entertain, unless it has Sandra Bullock in it. No matter what genre you prefer there is a movie waiting, smuggley knowing you will love it. But jump in your time machine and travel back to the mid to late 1970's and you'll find a band of rag-tag rascal directors that had only one aim, to induce vomit fuelled disgust. These movies where made with the intention, to shock the viewer by showing everything in graphic detail. No stone was left unturned or indeed unused to bludgeon. From a power drill to the head, right through to the savage lopping off of a man member. The more brutal the better and a new format was approaching on the horizon more then willing to bring all this into the so called safe haven of your front room The home video player, a foot high by about 4 foot wide with button’s that took the force of a jack hammer to press, a wired remote that stretched 20 centimetres from the unit and the whole thing soaked up about the same amount of power used by Italy in a year. Everyone wanted one. Lower budget movie makers saw the untapped potential of this new media, this was their escape from kissing the fat money grabbing ass of the people that controlled the cinema’s. So a tide of extreme movies flooded onto your local video store shelves. We all ventured out and hired 'Blood for the cannibal virgins snatch 3' with its over coloured and very graphic cover art, hopping to get a delightful romp for a Saturday night in with the family and most of the time what we got was a poorly made romp full of a 1000 gallons of blood, an always naked (most of the time ugly) lead actress with huge boobs and a plot as thin as budget bog paper. But we didn't care, or did we? A small group of middle class do gooders where banding together to voice their absolute disgust and outrage, claiming that these movies would 'corrupt and deprave'. No longer would it be OK for little Johnny shit face to watch 'Nazi alien whore girls on crack 4' while eating his sugar puffs. Because this would without doubt turn him into a vicious cross dressing, stappler wielding maniac before he could grow his curly ones. And so in 1984 a Act was born 'The Video Recording Act 1984'. which meant by law a group of hard assed upper class suit wearing toffs could cut, edit and ban anything they deemed extreme. The British media being what it is, lovingly named these movie 'Video Nasties' telling of true life horror story's about how Mark Volvo from Norfolk had sat down to watch his hired copy of 'Death Boob island 12' only for the video tape to leap from the player and repeatedly smash him in the fizzog. With the help of the media pooh storm the public lived in fear and raids on video shops where undertaken. But as with everything, if your told you can't have it, you want it more and so the underground black market video tape business was born. This is how I managed to watch 'A clockwork orange' (never a real 'video nastie' but still banned) which was well made and quite a good movie. I also saw 'Cannibal holocaust' which is the type of movie that robs you of an hour and half of you life and then sits there grinning about it like a adolescent knob. I also got a very suspect copy of 'I spit on your grave' which turned out to be, as I had suspected just a bunch of killing strung together by a rape. There where about 35 films that stayed on the list for any period of time. Most of these have now been released uncut and you can go down to your local DVD retailer buy one and mock at how once a whole country had feared that this would bring chaos to the streets and eventually destroy everything we hold dear to us including fluffy teddy bears. Even now, although the restrictions have been reduced to the minimal the ramifications of the era still show. This was the golden age of video where people talked in hushed corners and handed over brown paper bags with over viewed video tapes in, I miss the blood soaked old days.

Rabbit rabbit rabbit.

I've been living in blissful ignorance. Happily walking around like the village idiot under the impression I had good social skills. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a total loony. I'm not the type of person that will stand and talk a little too loud about the modern miracle of the combustion engine while drinking some strange brew of beer with a not so funny comic name. No, I'm the kind of person that finds it hard to just start a conversation that will sustain a good converse. I try to plan what to say, but as I've mentioned before I can't plan anything. If I was to plan a freak out I would be late, forget the bullets and buy the wrong pattern thong. Now if I know the person I'm ok, but as for meeting new people I fail like a chocolate fire guard. I fear that I might come across as a, well to put it straight, a twat. And this is why I'm not good, I'm worrying about what impression I am making to in fact make a good impression. This is the same in a new job. I try so hard to be out going and nice, but with the worry I come across moody. I don't want to be that knob head that talks way to loud and makes smutty remarks towards anything with boobs (including the fat guy) not on the first day anyway. But it would be nice to skip about 2 weeks into the job when I have settled in and know everyone. I suppose its the same for everyone. But still I'm not fond of the way I come across, so if you have met me before, please think back and don't judge me as a dribbling zombie with less of a sense of humour then a over ripe orange. I don't dribble that much. With the way of the world this is becoming less of a problem. Why stand in the corner of a stale party talking about X-factor in the desperate attempt to meet new people. No, now you don't even have to get dressed, you can meet all the people you want over the marvellous god like internet. With Faceache, My-spaz and the hundreds of chat rooms fall of naked pig ugly people, why throw on a coat and take your life in you own hands on public transport. Just sit there and press the on button, grab a bag of cheesy balls, a cup of tea and reach out and touch someone.

gizza job...I can do that

 

Tis the season to be jolly and for a number of people, tis the season to start looking forward to the next year and more importantly the prospect of yet again another round of mind numbing spirit crushing job hunting. Yes for us 'temps' its back to the job pages and to be honest the thought of job search makes me feel sick. I'm not the most organised person you'll meet. Fact is I can't plan how to get to the bottom of a packet of crisps when I first open them. So I should be hot on the internet looking and applying for jobs but I get distracted so easy (this is one). Tying to get a job has become a nightmare, gone are the days when you could have a drunken word with a mate on Friday and be working on the Monday. Now just to get an interview is a whole to do, its the equivalent of having to make your way across a greased pole to retrieve a crystal from the ass of a bent over clown, like some kind of crystal maze twat. I could take the Yozza Hughes approach to job hunting, but I'm not a scouser and I couldn't grow a fine peace of face furniture like that if I tried, and as much as I like the idea of going around nutting anyone who even looks at me in a funny way I would probably knock myself out more the other person. So I will do as I always do, stumble around the real world and the internet looking for work until something comes along and hits me. This is how I have found most of my jobs, well this and the fact most of my jobs seem to bleed into one another, people wise. So sometimes it is the people you know. Maybe its time for a change of vocation. I've been in retail for a good few years and it's a love/hate thing. Everyone who's worked in shops will tell you the same. On one hand you get to meet and work with some of the nicest people, but on the other there are some real arse holes out there, but this is true with every job and place of work. One thing about retail that really busts my balls to the point of trouser replacement is the working hours, but again its good and bad all the way. So what to do? I'm buggered if I know, I'm still trying to get to the bottom of those crisps.

I love the dead?

 

I love the dead. Not in the highly illegal pants around you ankles in a morgue kind of way, More of a Friday night zombie movie-fest....with chips and dip kind of way.

I don't know what fascinates us when it comes to the newly reanimated, maybe its the fact that they are us. Zombies are often over looked in the monster stakes. They're slow, look like shit and have a really impolite habit of falling apart at your new years party. Nobody likes to be in mid conversation when suddenly the persons nose falls into his appletini. But I don't agree, zombies are the ultimate monster, OK so most of the other nasties can easily kick zom-ass but they all have major drew backs. Vampires can't go out in the daylight, can't look at cross's and hate garlic, unless its a 'vampire' from the Twilight novels which ignore all the above rules so in my eyes are not vampires but moody tree climbing emo teens. Werewolf's only have any powers when its a full moon...rubbish. The rest of the time its just some guy with a taste for dog food. Mummies f**k off. So it comes down to the good old zombie, no fear, no feelings just a unstoppable hunger for the white meat. Now we all sit there in our soft arm chairs drinking tea, maybe dunking the odd Hobnob shouting at the screen 'that's not the way you take down a zombie'. But how many of us have really thought about the survival methods when it comes down to a zombie apocalypse. Weapons should be top of the list, but first up forget chainsaws, yeah they look cool but have you tried to get one started, yes, well picture that with a whole shit load of zom's coming at you. You get it started and its all limbs a flying and your having a right gay old time till....bang you cut off your own leg. So pick your killing tool well. Hold up in a safe place and try not to go crazy. You too can learn all this by just watching a few good zombie movies, but a word of warning there are a LOT of crap movies out there that claim to be zombie movies, when they are in fact piles of horse vomit, trying to live of the true greats of the genre, Night of the living dead and two movies that followed. So I say long live the zombie, or long un-live the zombie.